Time. Something we can’t see, touch, or taste, but we know it exists. Time is not a great healer, that is completely untrue. 21 years is a while. 21 trips around the sun. 21 years of missing you. 21 everythings.
This last 2 weeks has been hard, it always is. Every year from my birthday I relive this same period in my heart and my mind. The same period now 21 years on. Friday, November 16th, 2001, was my 22nd birthday, my birthday party, and our leaving celebration for our gap year. It was a full house packed with family, friends, and of course my mother. We had a great night, lots of giggles, great food, awesome DJ and dancing, and lots of bon voyage messages for our trip down under. 16 days later she was gone. That 2 weeks or so between seeing her happy and losing her are still so vivid in my mind, I remember it all.
They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it goes just as quick when you’re not. It’s not all been laughs, times have been challenging for sure. Raising two children without parents has not been easy, not having that guardian or protector to guide you through on the path they have already walked. Moving to Australia was as exciting as it was difficult, and I question whether I would be here now if she was still here. Maybe not, I may not have been able to say goodbye, although it may have been easier than the one I had to say.
You measure time with the clock’s ticks, but can you measure it with heartache? The number of thoughts that pass your mind, the number of memories, the number of tears, the number of things missed. Are they all conceivable ways to measure the amount of time that has passed? How do we put it all into perspective? I remember being 22 like it was yesterday when my world changed, and I can still see and feel those memories. Now, at 43, looking back to 2001, I am still relieving it. Where did that time go?
I only miss you when I’m breathing
She’s has missed so much. Her children’s weddings and 10 grandchildren but also her own life, undoubtedly full of colour, love, and music. She’d be 70 next year, she’d have had a fabulous life surrounded by family and friends. It’s still heartbreaking living without her, but she wins the sadness battle.
Nothing lasts forever but I fear heartache does. Yes, you become used to it, but the grief stays with you always. It’s exhausting and it hurts. She was so young, not much older than what I am now. It makes you think.
We don’t have a right to today or to tomorrow, every day is a gift and we must be grateful for literally every minute we have, be present, love and be loved. Focus on what matters in this life and soak it all up. We don’t know when the game is going to end, so we have to just make sure we play it well.
Written by Editor, Rhian Cable
Mum, Wife, Marketing Specialist, Book Worm, Sunrise Junkie and Blogger – Living life every minute.