RU OK? A Beautiful Mess. A blog about finding yourself

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I’m trying, like really trying to hold it all together at the moment. Times are tough and I thought I was too, but it’s all a bit of a beautiful mess.

It’s funny when you turn around one day and wonder what the hell you’re doing and what path you’re on. Not funny haha, but funny as in unexpected and it takes you by surprise.

I always think I’m on top of everything, and to everyone else I am. Work, housework, kids, bills, bla bla bla, super organised Rhi! I know exactly what’s going on, what I have to do, where my priorities lie but when it comes to me personally, not so much.

Working Girl

Work is work, it’s tough, not physically or even mentally but it strains somewhat on my heart. The passion I once had for all things marketing is still there but 2 decades on, my mind questions what else is out there, what will challenge me. What do I want to be when I grow up?

I blame time, as I always do. Working some 50+ hours a week leaves me very little time for much else, certainly if I need energy to do it. Up and out by 5:30am, I will always find time for a walk, run or bike ride before the working day starts. Knocking off at 6pm most nights, it’s a bath, PJ’s, a binge on US TV and the night has gone.

Every night when I sit down and get comfy, I know there’s other things I could be doing with these last 2 hours of my day before hitting the sack by 9pm latest. I’m usually exhausted from an early start and a busy ass day, plus I think I deserve some down time.

Let there be light

Today on RU OK? Day, I hit the beach at sunrise, my favourite time of the day. I didn’t exercise, I simply sat and thought. I thought about being here in Australia. I thought about covid and the current lockdown we’re in and all those affected. I thought about my beautiful Wales and my family back home and how I can’t wait to visit when the skies open. I thought about my career, or lack thereof and how completely different my working life was back home. And I thought about what I’m actually doing right now and where I’m heading.

I’m not travelling that’s for sure! We go away every month, for maybe 2, 3, 4 nights, just somewhere quick to get away from the four walls of the home office and a change of scenery. Then covid hit, say no more.

I miss it so much. Australia’s lovely, the weather, the beaches, the slow pace, but I’m really missing the culture! The cathedrals of Milan, the history of France, the castles of Wales and so much more. I’m planning our Euro tour for 2023 which can’t come quick enough. Not that I’m wishing our time away, quite the opposite, I’m trying to slow it down!

All you need is more

I have 100% lost my passion for pretty much most of what I used to love. When our plane took off from Heathrow on that cold November morning 2018, the passion for pushing myself, for my career and my desire to be bigger and better kinda stayed grounded. I’m happy here, life is good, we’re all safe and healthy, but it’s just the rest that’s a beautiful mess.

I always want more. Not materialistic things, they don’t bother me, haven’t for a while. Yes of course money, who doesn’t for freedom, but I just want more that fulfils me. I want more time, time to do the things that I enjoy, time to spend with my family without my phone ringing. I’m my own boss so I have the freedom but I’m still tied to the desk so I want more balance. I always complete all my work tasks and home chores but I want more fulfilment. I want to feel more accomplished. And of course there’s happiness, I want more of that, always, which I’m hoping will come when the rest of it shows up.

A Beautiful Mess

The first step in making all of these wants become habits is to just slow down. I need to immediately drop my working hours. Yes it’s less cash but that can be replaced, time cannot. With that time I plan to fire up my passion, writing. The goal is to spend more time blogging and to start laying out plans for the book I’ve been dreaming about scribing for the last 3 years!

I’ve said it before as have millions of others, it’s so important you spend your time doing something that excites you. Something you are passionate about, something that makes you smile from the inside. A passion that feeds your soul with contentment is the goal, and as of this week I am 100% focussed on smashing it! We aren’t here forever, we need to make the most of the time we have.

So as I sat searching for my soul, watching the waves dance amid the cold spring air with golden sandy toes, I asked myself the question… RU OK? And the answer?… I’m working on it.