Am I worthy?

So I’m sitting here, writing this, on a Virgin Atlantic flight, heading to LA, but contemplating where I’m actually going.  Currently at 38,000 feet exactly, and just over 3 hours until we land, I’ve spent most of the trip staring out of the window at the beautiful white cloudy skyline, thinking of the week ahead, of course the family, and my future plans.

Virgin Atlantic to Los Angeles
Virgin Atlantic to Los Angeles

I always knew this morning would be tough, leaving the house, it always is, every time I go, even if for a night.   Granted the hubby and the children were sleeping when I got up at 4:30am, tip toeing down the stairs like ninja, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me shutting that front door, knowing I’m not seeing them for 5 whole days.  Tears on the drive to London with thoughts of almost a week without them, but comfort in knowing Daddy has it all under control, and that they’ll be fine – especially with the little gifts I’ve left them!

Ready for the trip, half a world away
Ready for the trip, half a world away

But 11 hours on a plane with no WiFi, no phone calls or emails, no dishes or clothes to wash gives you time to think.   I’m staring out the window into nothing but beautiful pure, crisp blue sky, thinking of my babies and how far away I am from them, and it breaks my heart.

So far away
So far

If you’re a follower or regular visitor to this blog, you’d have gathered by now that I’m a tad on the ambitious side and am forever contemplating a change of career.  The day job has been super rough of late, not only with school holidays, and the kids round my ankles (not literally, they’re not kept under the desk!), but issues and politics by those above has meant I’m not doing the work I, 1) signed up for 2) am qualified in and best at and 3) actually enjoy.   Plus, the reading of Rich Dad Poor Dad may have altered my complete mind-set on working for other people and the benefits of going it alone.

Skittles powered creativity
Skittles powered creativity

The want, or maybe need, to go fully freelance rather than dabbling in it alongside the 9-5 is always there, I literally think about it daily.   I have the company name chosen, and domain names bought, I have a logo in mind, I know how my offices will look, I know the type of people I’d employ, it’s all planned out, of course it is!  There is a glimmer of regret that I didn’t do it after maternity leave, neither time, which I guess would have been the ideal opportunity to make the break, and which I know is how a lot of Mummy Bloggers got started.

Someone push me, please!
Someone push me, please!

But there is always something stopping me from making the break.  It’s not the money, I could earn less than I do now and still afford to pay the bills and yes of course we like to splurge on holidays and the likes, but it’s not that.  As confident as I am with people, situations and life in general, I guess I fear that I’m not good enough to go off on my own, and maybe not having the current security blanket around me is effecting my ability to make the leap, plus Hubby is also self-employed so is it risky not to have a steady income?  I heard a comment this week which made me think.  When asked if he knew before hand that his new business venture would work, he replied “of course, otherwise why would I have started it.” – true words, and I have that same feeling about my plans!

Deep in thought. We really are so small
Deep in thought. We really are so small

And again, staring into (almost) space here on this flight, with the reminder of how small we are in this big old world, my thoughts turn again to the freelance dream, what it would bring to me as a person who’s worked my whole life to get to where I am, but also what it would mean to us as a family, certainly not weeks apart in different countries.

Rhian
x
#workkidssleep

 

Posted by

Hi, welcome to WorkKidsSleep. This blog is all about my thoughts on life and modern day living, rearing children while being a working Mother, setting up home on the other side of the world, living life while I can, family travel and all the in-between.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *